The Braggart Soldier

(By Plautus)

CAST

1.-Pyrgopolynices: the braggart soldier: Enrique Tejero Modet /José Antonio Serrano Costa

2.-Artotrogus: his parasite: Laura Manrique Espada

3/4/5/6.-Minions: Pablo Vázquez Rodríguez, Andrés Cossio, Cristina Vila and David Bueno

7.-Philocomasium: Aylén María Peñuela Andrada

8/9/10:- Philocomasium’s maids: Sara Pavón Avilés and Rosa Rojas Martín. Alba Pérez Ramos

11,12,13.-Palaestrio: Daniel Jiménez Leal, Daniel Díaz Aranda, Jacobo Benito de Valle Ollero

14/15: Sceledra, a soldier’s slave: Claudia Mei Vera Caballero and Claudia Goyete Cumbrera

16: Lurcio, a soldier’s slave: Carlos Rodríguez Martos

17: a soldier’s slave: Alba Pérez Ramos

18.-Pleusicles: a young man from Athens, Marco Di Tullio Molina

19.-Cadmus: a servant of Pleusicles, Mario Vela

20.-Peryplectomenus: an old man from Ephesus, Daniel López Fernández

21.- a servant of Periplectomenus: Miguel Angel Camacho Martín

22.-Caria, Periplaectomenus’ cook : Laura Bolero Castro

23:A slave and assistant of the cook: Azahara Martínez Cisneros

24 .-Acroteleutium, a courtesan: Laura Gómez Rubiales

25.-Milphidippa, Acrotelietium’s maid and a courtesan: Miriam Benjumea Santisteban

26/27/28/29/30/31/32: courtesans: Mariam Charif, Zaira jiménez Lobo, Paula Migueles Barriel, Ana Abendea, Cristina Rocha y Rosa Díaz

33.-A young sailor accompanying Pleusicles: María Peral Oliveras

34.-Narrator 1/monkey: Gael Téllez Díaz

35.-Narrator 2/Periplectomenus’ slave: Adán Benítez Martínez

36.-Narrator 3/doble Periplectomenus : Daniel Roldán Espejo

 

 

(The action takes place on a street of Ephesus)

The play begins with a musical number with the music “Comedy Tonight.” All the characters on stage and at the end appears the Braggart Soldier like a hero just arriving from the wars.

SCENE 1

Enter the three narrators having an argument as to decide who is talking first. After excusing themselves to the audience, they begin the play. (They are very exaggerated, making a lot of gestures and pushing one another as they speak)

Narrator 1: Good evening everyone! Please, listen to us.

Narrator 2: We want to tell you what this play is about.

Narrator 3. It’s a comedy and we are telling you the plot.

Narrator 1: The play is called “Alazon” in Greek and…

Narrator 2: it is translated “braggart” in the tongue we speak.

Narrator 3: This town is Ephesus and…

Enter Palaestrio and he looks surprised to see them

Palaestrio: Hey!!! That’s my opening speech! What are you doing?

Narrator 1: You complained about the speech, so we are doing it now!

(The other narrators are tapping their feet and the grab Palaestrio to get him off-stage.)

Palaestrio: (shouting): IT WAS MY OPENING SPEECH!!! It is not fair!!!

(exits Palaestrio)

(The narrators prepare to go on talking. Six girls and boys enter from the other side and mime everything the narrators say.)

Narrator 2: (looking at the script) This is a long speech, but we are going to sum it up.

Narrator 3: The soldier you are going to meet is the braggart for which the play is named.

Narrator 1: He is very smug and thinks that all women love him. His name is…

The three narrators: Pyrgopolynices!!!

Narrator 1: Palaestrio, who has just left, has been his slave for a while and he used to have another master.

Narrator 2: His master was a young man from Athens, named Pleusicles who was crazy in love with Philocomasium.

Narrator 3: Pleusicles went to Naupactus and the soldier arrived to Athens and kidnapped Philocomasium.

Narrator 1: Then Palaestrio, who was one of the most loyal servants in the world, got on a ship to go and tell his master.

Narrator 2. But on his way to Naupactus, his ship was attacked by pirates and Palaestrio became a slave and was given to Pyrgopolynices.

Narrator 3: So Palaestrio devised a plan to save Philocomasium, who was very sad and....

Narrator 1: Stoooop! Our job is done. We've saved Palaestrio a lot of effort. Now it's his turn!

Narrator 2: Thanks for coming, our dear audience! Have a good time!

(They make a reverence and all exit)

 

 

Scene 2

(Enter Pyrgopolynices followed by his parasite Artotrogus and several minions carrying his huge shield)

 

Pyrgopolynices: (posing pompously in a very heroic fashion)

Oh! This shield of mine, (embracing it) shiny and lively, which surpasses sunbeams – when there are no clouds, of course - you are hungry for battle. And this blade of mine, you have been on holiday too

 long. Poor lad! He’s dying to make mincemeat of the enemies! (dropping the exaggerated tone) Say, where the devil is Artotrogus?

Artotrogus: He’s here. What a dashing man! So warlike! Mars himself couldn't dare fight you. You are the best soldier ever!!!

Pyrgopolynices: Tell me, what was the name of that chap I saved at the Field of Roaches? He had a famous uncle. Neptune, wasn't he?

Artotrogus: Ah yes, I remember. He was the man with the golden armour. You got rid of his legions with a single breath! (lets out a big breath) It was amazing!

Pyrgopolynices: (proudly) Well, it was nothing.

Artotrogus: Nothing, indeed! This is compared to other feats as false (aside and hiding behind the minions) as false as this!

Pyrgopolynices: Hey! Where are you?

Artotrogus: Here! And that elephant in India, the way you broke his arm!

Pyrgopolynices: His arm?

Artotrogus: Oh, sorry! His leg!

Pyrgopolynices: Oh, it was an easy job.

Artotrogus: A job of course! 

Pyrgopolynices: No more of this.

Artotrogus: Of course! Why bother to narrate. (aside to the audience and touching his stomach) It's only for my stomach that I stomach him. Therefore, I say yes and yes again to all his lies.

Pyrgopolynices: How good is your memory?

Artotrogus: Perfect, sir! In Sicilia, a hundred and fifty, (counting with his fingers) and three hundred Macedonians and.....

Pyrgopolynices: Your final sum is....

Artotrogus: Seven thousand!!!

Pyrgopolynices: Oh my God, what a memory!

Artotrogus: Food feeds it.

Pyrgopolynices: Very good. You'll eat eternally!

Artotrogus: Yes, why, repeating what all mortals know! Minions! Greet our master (both bow). And the women…

Pyrgopolynices: What about the women?

Artotrogus: Why, they all love you!!! You can't blame them. You are so beautiful. Just yesterday some women grabbed me from my tunic and…

Pyrgopolynices: What did they say?

Artotrogus: “Isn't that Achilles?” “No,” I said. “It's just his brother.” “Ah!” said one. “That's why he is so beautiful!”

Pyrgopolynices: Really? How wretched to be such a handsome man…

Artotrogus: How true!! (looking admiringly)

Pyrgopolynices: Well! That's enough for today. Duty calls me. Minions, let’s go to the Forum!

Artotrogus: Then off you go!!

Pyrgopolynices: Faithful fellows, follow me!

(they all exit)

Scene 3

(Old Peryplectomenus comes out of his house, still shouting back at the slaves within)

Peryplectomenus: (he is very upset) By Hercules, watch my roof. I don’t want to see anyone up there. If you see someone coming from the soldier’s house, except Palaestrio, throw them down into the street. I don’t care if they are following monkeys, pigeons or whatever. It’s an order!

(Enters Palaestrio, but he is hidden. He has just heard Peryplectomenus.)

Palaestrio: (to the audience) Oh! I hear that someone from our house has done a naughty thing. Hello…How are you, Peryplectomenus?

Peryplectomenus: Oh! just the man I wanted to see, Palaestrio!

Palaestrio: What’s going on? Why are you so upset with your household?

Peryplectomenus: Oh my God, what a disaster! We are finished! It’s discovered!

Palaestrio: What’s discovered?

Peryplectomenus: On my roof! Someone from your household has been spying on us, through the skyline. And he saw Philocomasium in my house, with my guest, KISSING!

Palaestrio: Who saw this?

Peryplectomenus: A fellow slave of yours.

Palaestrio: But which, I wonder.

Peryplectomenus: I don’t know. The fellow got away too fast. As she fled, I cried, “Why are you on my roof?” and she replied, “Looking for a monkey!”

Palaestrio: Pity me! I’ll have to die! All for a worthless animal! But the girl? Is she still at your home?

Peryplectomenus: She was when I came out here.

Palaestrio: Quick! Make her cross back into our house so the slaves can see her there.

Peryplectomenus: She’ll be told. Is that all?

Palaestrio: No. She must force the fellow who found her into full forgetfulness. Have her deny everything a hundred times.

Peryplectomenus: I’ll tell her if she is still there. But…What’s inside that head of yours?

Palaestrio: Silence! We’ll make the seen…unseen!

Peryplectomenus: Bravo! Molto Bello!

Palaestrio: Now...get busy old man. Tell me that you’ll take my command yourself and then I’ll rest secure.

Peryplectomenus: (magnanimously) I do accept the office and do take the command!

Palaestrio: I think we’ll win the prize we seek.

Peryplectomenus: May Jupiter bless you, won’t you share your plans?

Palaestrio: Silence, I’ll tell you now. You have to know that my master is as clever as a stone…

Peryplectomenus: That I know myself, go on…

Palaestrio: I’ll tell him Philocamasium has a twin sister who has just arrived with her lover and they are staying at your house, so that’s the one my fellow slave saw.

Peryplectomenus: Bravo! It’s a brilliant plan!

Palaestrio: Should my fellow slave make accusations to the soldier? I’ll accuse him of having spied on you!

Peryplectomenus: Fine, a perfect ploy! If the soldier questions me, I’ll back you up. But…what if he wants to see both sisters together?

Palaestrio: Easy, we’ll give him excuse after excuse: she is not here, dining, drinking, taking a shower…

Perip: That’s terrific!

Palaestrio: Go in! Quick! Find the girl and train her. She must fully comprehend our plan. She has to know all about her twin sister!

Peryplectomenus: You shall quickly have a girl who is very quick!

(The old man rushes into his house, leaving Palaestrio thinking his next move)

Palaestrio: Now, I must hurry up and immediately find the slave who chased that monkey. Wait! I hear noises. I’ll hide myself here and see if I discover something interesting. (He hides behind a structure in the street.)

Scene 4

(Enters Sceledra surrounded by a group of slaves)

Sceledra: Listen! By Polux! I think I saw something curious today.

Slave girl 1: Tell us, what did you see?

Sceledra: I saw master’s mistress in our neighbour’s house.

Slave boy 1: Are you sure? And how is that possible?

Slave boy 2: Sceledra, tell us now, what exactly was she doing there?

Sceledra: I think she was in search of trouble.

Slave girl2: How? Tell us immediately!

Sceledra: She was…someone is here! Who is that?

(enters Palaestrio)

Palaestrio: It’s me, Palaestrio, your fellow slave.

Sceledra: Glad to see you, Palaestrio.

Palaestrio: Why? What’s wrong?

Sceledra: I’m afraid…

Palaestrio: Of what?

Sceledra: Maybe you don’t know the crime committed in our house today.

Palaestrio: A crime? What sort of crime?

Sceledra: A dirty one!

(The other slaves express astonishment on their faces)

Palaestrio: Then keep it to yourself. I don’t want to know.

Sceledra: Well, I won’t let you not know it! Listen. As I chased our monkey over our neighbour’s roof today...

Palaestrio: I understand. One worthless animal pursued another.

Sceledra: Go to hell!

Palaestrio: Yes, you ought to go...on with your little tale, I mean.

(Sceledra glares at Palaestrio)

Sceledra: I look from our neighbour’s skylight and what do I see...Philicomasium! She is kissing an utterly unknown young man.

Slave girls: Oh my God! What a scandal!

Palaestrio: Are you sure you saw her with your own eyes?

Sceledra: Of course! What are you thinking?

Palaestrio: Come on! This is a joke. You saw nothing.

Sceledra: Look at me! Do my eyes look bad to you?

Palaestrio: I’m not a doctor, and by the way, don’t spread this story. You are seeking trouble here, so please stop this brainless banter or double death awaits you.

Sceledra: What do you mean “double death”?

Palaestrio: Easy! First, you have accused our master’s mistress falsely, so you must die. Second, you have failed as a guard, so you die again.

Sceledra: I can’t stand this anymore. Come with me, and if you don’t believe, go and check yourself!

Palaestrio: Of course I will! No doubt!

(they all exit, Palaestrio to the soldier’s house, Sceledra and the others leave to the other side)

Scene 5

(enters Sceledra)

Sceledra: I’ll wait here but…what do I do? The soldier chose me to guard her. If I let this out, I’ll die. If master learns of this, everyone will be on the cross. By Hercules, me too! better I close my mouth!

(enters Palaestrio, he comes from the soldier’s house and he looks stern)

Palaestrio: Sceledra! Is there a more stupid woman in the world?!

Sceledra: What’s wrong?

Palaestrio: The girl is at home.

Sceledra: Are you tricking me?

Palaestrio: No, Sceledra. Your vision is not right. Wait….our door is opening.

Sceledra: (at the old man’s door) I shall stay here and block this door. She can’t come in if she doesn’t use the door.

Palaestrio. Oh come on! She’s at home!

(Sceledra keeps blocking the door, looking straight away)

Sceledra: I can see… I know myself. No one bullies me! (she spreads her hands across the doorway)

Palaestrio: Do you want me to convince you of your stupid vision?

Sceledra: Try it!

Palaestrio: Now…You claim the concubine’s there?

Sceledra: Why, I insist she is! I saw her kissing a perfect stranger.

Palaestrio: There is no passage or balcony, you know.

Sceledra: Of course I know.

Palaestrio: So… If she is in our house and I bring her out, would you say you’re worthy of whipping?

Sceledra: Worthy?

Palaestrio: So guard the door so she doesn’t sneak away!

Sceledra: That’s my plan! I won’t move from here.

Palaestrio: Very well. I’ll see you very soon and show you that you weren’t right.

(Palaestrio dashes into the soldier house)

(Enter a group of slaves. They look very happy and they are dancing, then look Sceledra)

Slave girl 1 (Rosa) Sceledra, hello!

Slave girl 2 (Sara) Dance with us!

Sceledra: No. Girls, I’m guarding this door! Please go away!

Slave girl 3:(Alba) No is not an answer! We’ll be back very soon. We promise!

(The three girls try to grab Sceledra’s hand, but she stays fixed at the door. The girls leave.)

Scene 6

(Palaestrio enters from the soldier’s house, leading the Philocomasium accompanied by their maids)

Palaestrio: Remember your instructions.

Philocomasium: I’m astonished.

Palaestrio: I’m afraid you are not tricky enough.

Philocomasium: I could make a dozen damsels devils with my intelligence.

Palaestrio: Now, concentrate on the trick

(Palaestrio gets to Sceledra who is blocking the old man’s door)

Palaestrio: Hey! How are you Sceledra?

Sceledra: (staring straight ahead) I’m on the job. Speak! I have ears!

Palaestrio: Well, look to your left!

Sceledra: What for? Hey! Who is that woman?

Palaestrio: You don’t know her?

Sceledra: Oh, by all gods, that girl is the master’s concubine!

Philocomasium: Where is this loyal slave who falsely insults a honest woman?

Palaestrio: Right here! She told me all the things I told you.

Philocomasium: You say you saw me, rascal, kissing in our neighbour’s house!

Sceledra: By Hercules, I did!

Philocomasium: You saw me?

Sceledra: Of course I did! With these eyes!

Philocomasium: You’ll lose them soon!

Sceledra: Oh, stop your threats! Palaestrio, can I talk to you for a minute?

Palaestrio: Yes, of course!

Sceledra: Where did she come from?

Palaestrio: Home! Where else?

Sceledra: But, I don’t understand. How could she come in through that door? (pointing to the soldier’s house)

Philocomasium: By Castor, now I understand. That dream….

Sceledra: What dream?

Philocomasium: I’ll tell you both. Last night I dreamed my dear twin sister arrived with a man she loved. She is staying at the old man’s house and one slave saw her kissing her lover, and that slave is accusing me falsely. You! Sceledra!

Palaestrio By Hercules, it looks like a real live dream! (to Philocomasium) Go right inside and pray! By the way, you should tell this to the soldier!

Philocomasium: (leaving) Why of course! I won’t be falsely called unchaste without revenge!

(She storms into the soldier’s house followed by her maids)

Sceledra: Oh my God! I’m scared! I’m all mixed up!

Palaestrio: You know you are finished, right?

Sceledra: I see the truth now. My eyes were clouded! I saw her, yet I didn’t.

Palaestrio: Yes, Sceledra, you just avoided disaster! Let’s go inside!

Sceledra: Yes, let’s go inside. I want to sort things out with Philocomasium before she talks to the master. I am not sure of anything now.

(they both leave into the soldier’s house)

Scene 7

(Enter Philocomasium accompanied by her maids. Something has changed from her style. She is coming from the old man’s house. At the same time, enter Palaestrio, some slaves, and Sceledra. They get surprised.)

Palaestrio/Sceledra: Aaaaah!

Sceledra: There you are! We were looking for you, Philocomasium!

(Philocomasium ignores them)

Palaestrio: (waving at her) Hey! Philocomasium!

Philocomasium: What madness motivates you, sir, to call me that name?

Palaestrio: Well, tell me your real name, then?

Philocomasium: My name is Dicea.

Sceledra: No, you’re wrong, Philocomasium. You are my master’s concubine and you are cheating on him!

Philocomasium: Me?

Sceledra: Yes, you!

Philocomasium: But I only arrived from Athens yesterday, with my lover, an Athenian young man.

Sceledra: Yes, tell me another! And what’s your business here in Ephesus?

Philocomasium: I’m looking for my twin sister.

Sceledra: (sarcastically) You are a clever girl!

Philocomasium: I’m leaving! I don’t know you and I don’t need to explain anything to you.

(starts leaving but Sceledra grabs her)

Sceledra: You are not going anywhere.

Philocomasium: Let me go!

Sceledra: (to Palaestrio) You idiot, don’t stand there! Grab her other arm!

Palaestrio: No, I don’t want to get involved. Maybe she is telling the truth.

Philocomasium: Will you let me go or not?

Sceledra: No way! I’m dragging you home.

Philocomasium: My home and master are in Athens.

Sceledra: Ok, I’ll let you go if you give me your word to get inside. (pointing the soldier’s house)

Philocomasium: Ok, I give you my word!

(she releases her)

Sceledra: Go then.

Philocomasium: Go I shall. Goodbye!

(she dashes into the old man’s house)

Sceledra: Typical! A woman’s word!

Palaestrio: Sceledra, you let the prize slip from your fingers. Now, you want to be a woman of action?

Sceledra: Tell me how.

Palaestrio: Bring me a sword!

Sceledra: What for?

Palaestrio: (imitating his master bombastic manner) I’ll rush through these doors and the man I see inside kissing master’s mistress, I shall kill him on the spot!

Sceledra: I’ll do it right away! (Sceledra leaves through the soldier's)

Palaestrio: This is fantastic! Philocomasium was a real actress and what a brilliant idea, this passage through the wall. I will use it now and surprise that silly slave!

(Palaestrio stays behind laughing, he leaves too)

Scene 8

(enters Sceledra looking for Palaestrio)

Sceledra: Palaestrio! Palaestrio! Where are you?

Palaestrio: (coming from the old man’s house) Yes? Here!

Sceledra: She’s at home! My master’s concubine! She was lying on the couch!

Palaestrio: I know, I just came from the old man’s and you know what?

Sceledra: What?

Palaestrio: The real twin sister was in there and now the old man’s is upset with us because we are disturbing his guest. I said it was you who saw her and he wants to talk to you.

Sceledra: Oh, by Hercules! What now? (she is really frightened and confused)

Palaestrio: Well, I’ll go back to the old man’s and see what I can do. If master wants me, find me there.

Sceledra: But Palaestrio, stay. (Palaestrio leaves) He cares no more for master’s matters. Well, I’ll stay here and watch.

(Peryplectomenus rushes out angrily from his house)

Peryplectomenus: (very angry) Oh, by Hercules, those men must take me for a sissy! My military neighbour’s slave insults me. She insulted my lady guest. A free girl! Manhandled and insulted!

Sceledra: Oh Hercules, I’m off! I don’t want trouble! (she starts leaving)

Peryplectomenus: Hey, scurvy scoundrel! Where are you going?

Sceledra: Listen! Let me explain myself!

Peryplectomenus: I’ll organise your own whipping myself and be sure I’m talking to your master.

(Sceledra trembles with fright)

Sceledra: I’m so upset. I want to apologise, but your guest looked so similar to…she is not her and…if I could see her again…

Peryplectomenus: Go…check for yourself!

Sceledra: Could I?

Peryplectomenus: I insist! Inspect! And take your time!

Sceledra: So…in I go!

(Sceledra dashes into the old man’s house)

Peryplectomenus: (calling at the soldier’s house) Philocomasium, quick! Run to my house and when Sceledra leaves, run back to your house. Oh my goodness, what if she doesn’t make it?

(Sceledra reenters wide eyed and confused)

Sceledra: Oh my goodness! I saw a girl embracing and kissing your guest! She looked so similar.

Peryplectomenus: Was it yours?

Sceledra: Who knows?

Peryplectomenus: So now, hurry to your house and check if yours is in there!

Sceledra: I will. Good advice. Thanks.

(Sceledra runs into the soldier’s house. Peryplectomenus stays, waiting and laughing.)

(Sceledra reenters on the brink of tears and throws herself at Peryplectomenus’ feet.)

Sceledra: Oh, please forgive my stupidity. I was idiotic, blind. Philocomasium is in there. Now I’ve seen them both.

Perip: Ok, call your master!

Sceledra: (crying) Please, no, forgive me! Or have me tortured! Please!

Perip: Ok, I pardon you because you didn’t do it on purpose. So, you are forgiven.

Sceledra: May the gods bless you sir!

Perip: Now after this, by Hercules, you guard your tongue and even if you know a thing, don’t know a thing. And don’t see even what you see!

Sceledra: Yes, do you want something else?

Perip: Yes. Not to know you.

(Peryplectomenus turns away and walks inside.)

Sceledra: Oh, what’s up here? He wasn’t even angry. I know that Palaestrio and him are going to betray me. They will sell me. I need to hide for a few days until everything is forgotten.

(Sceledra leaves the stage)

Scene 9

(Palaestrio tiptoes out of the old man’s house.)

Palaestrio: Good, the coast is clear. I’ll call them out! (Calling) Hey Peryplectomenus, Pleusicles, show yourselves!

(They come out eagerly)

Peryplectomenus: Here, at your command!

Palaestrio: Good. Is everything ok? Shall we carry out our plan?

Peryplectomenus: For me, everything is fine!

Palaestrio: What about you, Pleusicles?

Peryplectomenus: Yes, tell us. What troubles you?

Pleusicles: I think I’m giving you a lot of trouble with my problems. And at your age!

Peryplectomenus: What’s that? Do I seem like such a coffin candidate? I am only fifty four. I have got perfect vision and my hands and legs are fast!

Pleusicles: Well, anyway, I want to thank you both for your help.

Palaestrio: Ok, we’d better talk about our plans. I figured out a lovely one.

Peryplectomenus: Now that’s the plan I want to hear!

Palaestrio: First, I’d like to ask for that ring of yours.

Peryplectomenus: (suspiciously) Well, how will you use it? Here is the ring.

Palaestrio: The reason is because my master, the soldier, is the silliest person in this world.

Peryplectomenus: That I’m quite sure!

Palaestrio: Could you find me a woman, too? Someone beautiful and clever?

Peryplectomenus: Well, I have a client. A younguish little courtesan, but why do you need her?

Palaestrio: Bring her to your home and disguise her as your own wife.

Peryplectomenus: I’m lost, what’s all this for?

Palaestrio: You’ll see. Does she have maids?

Peryplectomenus: Yes, of course, and very clever! They are perfect. Relax!

Palaestrio: Ok, perfect! Get them here as soon as possible!

(Peryplectomenus exits)

Palaestrio: Now, Pleusicles, remember that you have to call Philocomasium Dicea.

Pleusicles: Yes, I’ll remember. But why should I remember it?

Palaestrio: I’ll tell you when it’s time. Don’t worry. Now, go inside and wait. And follow the orders!

(Pleusicles leaves)

Palaestrio: Now, I need to talk to Sceledra. Where is she? (Starts calling her) Sceledra! Where are you?

(Enters Lurcio, he appears at the door and he looks very drunk)

Lurcio: She’s busy now!

Palaestrio: Doing what?

Lurcio: She’s snoring…as she sleeps

Palaestrio. You said she is inside asleep?

Lurcio: Except her nose. That is making quite a noise!

Palaestrio: (indignantly) But how could she let herself go to sleep?

Lurcio: She closed her eyes, I think.

Palaestrio: Did you serve her wine?

Lurcio: I did not. Well, Sceledra told me not to tell anyone.

(He starts to go)

Palaestrio: Wait, scoundrel, has she drunk like this before?

Lurcio: By Pollux, she never poured a drop!

Palaestrio: Go inside! And keep this to yourself. I’m going to the forum.

(Palaestrio hides to hear what else Lurcio has to say)

Lurcio: I’m dead! Master will crucify me if he finds out. I’ll run away. No, I’ll hide. I don’t know.

(Lurcio leaves and enters Palaestrio)

Palaestrio: Ah! I understand the young lady’s plan. She sneaks across while Sceledra sleeps. Hey, I hear voices…

Scene 10

(Enter the courtesan Acroteleutium accompanied by her maids, all courtesans. They are dancing to the music “Love is in the Air.” Then enters Peryplectomenus as if he was looking for them.)

Peryplectomenus: Now, do you understand the plan? I’ll drill you again.

Acroteleutium: No, it’s not necessary! I’m a professional! Trust me!

Peryplectomenus: Ok, I trust you, but you must know that your job has two sides: for when you do the soldier harm, you are doing me a favour.

Acroteleutium: Relax, you are safe as long as we don’t know we are doing good.

Peryplectomenus: What miserable merchandise a woman is!

Acroteleutium: Just like her customers!

Peryplectomenus: Typical.

(Palaestrio enters)

Palaestrio: Oh, what a surprise and how well accompanied, sir!

Peryplectomenus: Well met, Palaestrio. Look here, it’s the girls in their costumes.

Palaestrio: (pats him on his back) You’re the man! (Palaestrio salutes Acroteleutium)

Acroteleutium: Who is this who speaks to me as if I knew him?

Peryplectomenus: He is…our architect!

Acroteleutium: My greetings to the architect. Girls, say hello!

Palaestrio: The same to you. Has he explained our plans?

Peryplectomenus: Don’t worry! The girls know everything.

Palaestrio: I want to hear how well!

Acroteleutium: Now! You want the soldier to be deceived, right?

Palaestrio: That’s right!

Acroteleutium: Sweetly and completely. Everything’s arranged!

Palaestrio: I want you to pretend that you are his wife (signing to Periplectomenus)

Acroteleutium: I AM his wife!

Palaestrio: Pretend that you love the soldier.

Acroteleutium: So I will be!  All you say will come true.

Palaestrio: I hope so, and me and your maid Milphidippa will tell the soldier that this ring is a little present you want to give him to offer your compliments.

Peryplectomenus: Why bother the girls with what they already know?

Palaestrio: I guess you all know my military master?

Acroteleutium: What a question!  Now, just relax! Leave him to me.

Palaestrio: Fine! Go inside and concentrate on the project. And you, Peryplectomenus, go with them.

Acroteleutium: (leaving with her maids) Just relax!

Peryplectomenus: Let’s go inside and rehearse our parts carefully.

Palaestrio: Yes, I must leave immediately. To the forum. To find my man. (very exaggerated)

Scene 11

(Enter Pyrgopolynices, smiling with pleasure at his accomplishments this morning. Palaestrio follows trying to attract his attention)

Pyrgopolynices: What a pleasure when affairs go well! I sent mercenaries to guard King Seleucus’ kingdom. Now I can relax.

Palaestrio: Come now! I am a go-between of a new venture!

Pyrgopolynices: Well, I will put aside other matters and give you my attention. Palaestrio, I am all ears. Speak.

Palaestrio: This venture must be led in secret!

(Pyrgopolynices scouts the area)

Pyrgopolynices: The coast is clear! No one!

Palaestrio: (giving him the ring) Take this! It is the first deposit on a love account!

Pyrgopolynices: What’s this? Where did you get it?

Palaestrio: From a lovely lady who adores you. Her maid gave it to me!

Pyrgopolynices: Who is she? Is she free-born or slave?

Palaestrio: Free of course!

Pyrgopolynices: Wife or widow?

Palaestrio: Both.

Pyrgopolynices: But how can that be possible?

Palaestrio: Easy! She is young, her husband is old. She alone could be compared to you in beauty!

Pyrgopolynices: How gorgeous! Who is she?

Palaestrio: The wife of Peryplectomenus, next door. She’s dying for you and she wants to escape. She hates the old boy! Let her have a chance to give herself completely.

Pyrgopolynices: Hercules! Why not? If she is willing…Say, what shall I do about the girl at home?

Palaestrio: Let her go and…it just happens that her mother and twin sister came to fetch her.

Pyrgopolynices: From Ephesus?

Palaestrio: Those who saw say so.

Pyrgopolynices: Hercules, the perfect chance to kick the woman out!

Palaestrio: Yes, but you should do it in the “perfect” way. You don’t want her to leave with hard feelings. You are a gentleman!

Pyrgopolynices: By Hercules, so I am!

Palaestrio: You are very rich. Let the girl have all the gold and jewels she wants.

Pyrgopolynices: That sounds good. But if the other woman changes her mind?

Palaestrio: Don’t be absurd. She adores you. So let’s go! We need to talk to the lady’s maid.

Pyrgopolynices: Off we go to this new love venture!

 

Scene 12

(enter Milphidippa accompanied by three courtesans they come from the old man’s house)

Milphidipa: Oh, by Hercules, girls, do you see a man here? I have to meet him urgently.

Courtesan 1: I don’t see anyone here.

Courtesan 2: Are you sure it was here?

Courtesan 3: Let’s wait. Maybe he’s late.

Milphidippa: Oh heavens, we really must see him now!

(enter Palaestrio and Pyrgopolynices accompanied by soldiers)

Palaestrio: Quiet! That woman is Madam Go-Between. Let’s spy on them!

Pyrgopolynices: That sounds good! By Pollux, (ogling her) she is not bad, not bad at all!

Milphidippa: (to the audience) There’s the circus where I must perform my circus right now. I’ll pretend I don’t see them.

Pyrgopolynices : (whispering to Palaestrio) Let’s listen and see if she mentions me.

Milphidippa: Listen! There isn’t a soldier on Earth like Pyrgopolynices! What a man! And how my mistress loves him. He is too beautiful, too magnificent! And my mistress is burning for him.

Pyrgopolynices: This one is mad about me, too! She has just praised my looks! I’m really excited! I want to meet her mistress right now.

Palaestrio: Patience master! I am going to make myself visible.

Pyrgopolynices: I love this one, too!

Palaestrio: You can’t, she is engaged to me! If you marry her mistress, she’ll marry me immediately.

Pyrgopolynices: Then speak to her!

Palaestrio: Right, follow me!

(They approach Milphidippa who stills pretends not to see them)

Palaestrio: All you dreamed of will appear. For the person that’s speaking knows just who you are seeking!

Milphidippa: My goodness, who is this I’m hearing?

Palaestrio: A trusty person you can tell everything you want and someone who knows your plans.

Milphidippa: Ok! Give me a sign that you know our plans.

Palaestrio: Very easy! Let us say that a woman loves someone.

Courtesan 2: There are hundreds who love someone.

Palaestrio: Yes, but very few sent a gift straight from her finger.

(Milphidippa motions Palaestrio to one side)

Milphidippa: I must see you alone.

Palaestrio: For many or for a few words?

Milphidippa: I only want two words. Are there spies hereabout?

Palaestrio: Of course not! Wait here!

Palaestrio: (to the soldier) I will be back with you in a second!

Pyrgopolynices: Hey, what of me? Hey! Explain!  I’m tired of waiting!

Palaestrio:  Yes sir, stand there in view. I am just working for you. We must treat matters slowly.

Pyrgopolynices: Yes, yes, on with your quest. Do what you think is best!

Palaestrio: (aside to Milphidippa) This man has no more brains than a rock has!

Milphidippa: What shall I do?

Palaestrio: Pretend, if you can, that you are dying in love.

Milphidippa: (nodding) For our boy here!

Palaestrio: Praise him all the time.

Milphidippa: Ok, I can do that. I am very clever! You saw me!

Pyrgopolynices: I wish we would start! Come back here!

Palaestrio: Here I am, don’t be nervous!

Pyrgopolynices: Tell me what she said!

Palaestrio: It’s her mistress. She is dying for you. She sent her maid on a mission.

Pyrgopolynices: Let her come!

Palaestrio: Come if you want woman!

Milphidippa: (hurling herself at the soldier’s feet) Oh beauty, so beaming!

Pyrgopolynices: What do you want, woman?

Milphidippa: To be your wife!

Pyrgopolynices: That’s too much!

Milphidippa: It’s my mistress’ desire, too! She’s dying for you!

Pyrgopolynices: Thousands are! There’s no time! (posing)

Palaestrio: Sir, you must give her an answer.

Pyrgopolynices. Ok, have her come here for a viewing!

Palaestrio: Don’t stand lazily by! Go! You’ve got your reply!

Milphidippa: Yes, I’ll go and I’ll bring madam. (To Pyrgopolynices) Do you want something more?

Pyrgopolynices: To be no handsomer than I am now!

Palaestrio: Go on, girl!

Pyrgopolynices: Have your mistress make haste. I have no time to waste!

(Milphidippa leaves through the old man’s house, all the courtesans follow her)

Palaestrio: Master, we have to think about what to do with your concubine!

Pyrgopolynices: True! But not now! All this was too intense. I need some rest! Let’s meet later, Palaestrio! You are a loyal slave! The best one!

(They both leave through the soldier’s house)

SCENE 13

(Enter Pyrgopolynices followed by his minions)

Pyrgopolynices: Where is Palaestrio? I need him to tell me more about our plans.

Minion one (Andrés): Master, do you want me to call him?

Minion two (David): Master, I think I hear someone coming.

Pyrgopolynices: It must be him! Palaestrio!

(Enters Palaestrio)

Palaestrio: I’m here, I was talking to Phylocomasium.

Pyrgopolynices: Yes? And what did she say?

Palaestrio: She is devastated. I want to tell you…

Pyrgopolynices: (shouting) I only want to hear how to get rid of her so get to the point and tell me what to do immediately.

Palaestrio: Master, everybody knows that you are such a great person, so you don’t want anyone to hate your person.

Pyrgopolynices: Yes, Palaestrio, as usual you are absolutely right.

Palaestrio: Tell her that she can keep all the jewels you gave her and that her mother and twin sister are here so she can go back with them.

Pyrgopolynices: Yes, great plan but...how do you know they are here?

Palaestrio: I saw her sister, with these eyes!

Pyrgopolynices: I believe you, but how is her sister? Is she beautiful?

Palaestrio: Oh, by Hercules, sir, you want to grab at everything!

Pyrgopolynices: And where is her mother?

Palaestrio: She is aboard the ship. Her eyes are infected. A sailor told me all that. And the twin sister, named Dicea, happens to be staying at the neighbour house.

Pyrgopolynices: Ok, but about your advice, I prefer you speak to her. You seem to get along very well.

Palaestrio: No sir! You should do that yourself. Tell her that you need to take a wife, that your relations oblige you. You, a man with such a position.

Pyrgopolynices: You think so?

Palaestrio: Of course!

Pyrgopolynices: Well in that case, I will go inside and finish with this business once and for all and if she is unwilling, I will kick her out.

Palaestrio: No, master, remember! No bad feelings. Give her all she wants.

Pyrgopolynices: Ye gods, I hope she’ll go.

Palaestrio: I think you’ll succeed. But go inside; don’t wait!

Pyrgopolynices: Goodbye, my clever Palaestrio!

(The soldier leaves followed by his minions)

Palaestrio: Well, folks, did I exaggerate a while ago in what I said about this passionate captain? Now, I need Acrotoletium. We must continue our plans. (Leaves through the old man’s house)

SCENE 14

(Enter Acroteletium from the old man’s house, leading Pleusicles, Milphidippa and the other cortesans)

Acroteletium: Follow me and look around to make sure there’s no one spying on us!

Milphidippa: I see no one except the man we want to talk coming from the old man’s house!

Acroteletium: Palaestrio! We were looking for you! Where is the the soldier? How is our plan going?

Courtesan 3 (Paula Migueles): Yes, please tell us now! We are anxious.

(The rest of the courtesans nod very exaggeratedly)

Palaestrio: I want to inform you that at this precise moment, our soldier boy is inside begging Philocomasium to leave.

Pleusicles: Great! You are so smart! (looking at him admiringly)

Palaestrio: I’ll offer to help with her luggage to the harbour and when I am there, that stupid soldier won’t see me again.

Pleusicles: And when you get to Athens, you won’t be a slave anymore. I will release you.

Palaestrio: Pleusicles, quickly now, go and dress yourself!

Pleusicles: There’s nothing else?

Palaestrio: Just don’t forget.

Pleusicles: I’ll be going. (He leaves)

Palaestrio: (to the courtesans) You need to hurry inside as well. He’s coming out again.

Acroteletium: (taking leave) Your wish is our command.

(They all leave through the old man’s house)

Palaestrio: Oh, by Hercules! A close shave! The soldier is coming this very moment. I can hear him and his minions.

(Pyrgopolynices bursts out. He looks overjoyed with himself.)

Pyrgopolynices: I’ve succeeded! Sweetly and completely she agreed!

Palaestrio: What took you so long in there?

Pyrgopolynices: Never was I loved as madly as that little woman loves me.

Palaestrio: Is that so? (faking surprise)

Pyrgopolynices: I needed countless words to convince her and in the end, I won. I gave her everything she wanted, even YOU!

Palaestrio: EVEN ME? How could I go away from you?

Pyrgopolynices: I couldn’t get rid of the girl. I tried everything. She overwhelmed me.

Palaestrio: (dramatically) I know it will be bitter parting from the best of masters. At least I will be comforted that with my efforts, you will win a beautiful lady. I will arrange it now.

Pyrgopolynices: If you succeed, you will be a free man! And a rich one! Come on, hurry!

Palaestrio: Take it easy! I will go to the old man’s and get her. You can hide there!

(Palaestrio leaves and the soldier waits aside)

SCENE 15

(enter Palaestrio running towards where the soldier is hidden)

Palaestrio: Quick, master! Hide yourself! The women are coming. Let’s hear if they talk about you.

Pyrgopolynices: Sounds good!

(Enter the courtesans talking and making a lot of noise with their chatter)

Acroteletium: (melodramatically to Milphidippa) Please tell me, did you see the man in person?

Milphidippa: (proudly) I spoke to him myself and just as long as I desired!

Courtesan (Cristina Rocha): Oh! What a lucky woman!

Courtesan (Lucia): He’s such a handsome man!

Courtesan (Mariam): And he is so brave!

Courtesan (Zaira): And he is so rich!

Pyrgopolynices: How they love me!

Palaestrio: You deserve it! You are legendary with women.

Pyrgopolynices: I accept the will of Venus.

Acroteletium: (picking up a cue) I thank Venus and beg her to help me get the love that I long for.

Milppidippa: I hope so.

Accroteletim: I’m terribly tormented. What if he sees me and changes his mind?

Milphidippa: That won’t happen. Relax.

Accroteletium: If he doesn’t take me for his wife, I will embrace his knees and implore him. I cannot live without him.

Pyrgopolynices: I must prevent that woman’s death.

Accroteletutium: Dear Milphidippa, call him out here, or I will go.

Milphidippa: Let’s wait at least until someone else comes out.

Accroteletium: I am going inside. I can’t wait. (She tries to open the door of the soldier’s house but the door is locked)

Palaestrio: (to the soldier) The poor girl is burning up for her love of you.

Pyrgopolynices: It’s mutual.

Accroteletium: (smelling around) He’s here, somewhere, the man I long to see. I smell him!

Pyrgopolynices: She sees more with her nose than with her eyes.

Palaestrio: She’s blind with love!

(Accroteletium begins an elaborate fainting act)

Accroteletium: I’m falling! Hold me!

Milphidippa: What’s wrong?

Accoteletium: By Pollux, I think I’ve seen him!

Milphidippa: Where?

Accroteletium: There!

(Milphidippa approaches where the soldier and Palaestrio is hidden)

Milphidippa: As you commanded, I brought my mistress out.

(Pyrgopolynices starts to approach Accroteletium)

Milphidippa: Stop! Don’t come near her! My lady can’t look at you. She will shake just by looking at you.

Pyrgopolynices: So what does she want?

Milphidippa: She wants you to go to her house.

Pyrgopolynices: To her house? She’s married. Her husband will catch me.

Milphidippa: But sir, for her love of you, she has thrown her husband out.

Pyrgopolynices: How could she do so?

Milphidippa: This house was in her dowry!

Pyrgopolynices: Yes? Then take her home! I will be there in a minute.

Milphidippa: Please, don’t keep her waiting! Don’t break her heart!

(Milphidippa helps her fainting mistress back into the old man’s house)

Pyrgopolynices: I’m really satisfied with the results of this plan.

Palaestrio: Yes, what less could we expect from a man like you?

Pyrgopolynices: I know. Let’s go inside and check if my concubine is packing. I don’t mind losing sight of her. 

Palaestrio: In we go!

(They both exit through the soldier house)

SCENE 16 

(Enter Pleusicles, looking very uncomfortable in his elaborate sailor’s costume and an eye patch. His servant, Cadmus, is also disguised and there is a third sailor, too)

Pleusicles: If I were not aware how many other people have done awful things because of love, I’d be afraid to march around dressed like this to win mine.

Cadmus: Master, it’s only a moment. Be patient!

Pleusicles: I understand, but I’m so anxious to get together with my beloved. But where is that slave? Shall we knock on the soldier’s door?

Cadmus: No. Listen master, I think someone is coming.

(Enter Palaestrio and Pyrgopolynices, the latter dashes out nervously)

Pyrgopolynices: Oh, everything is ready! The gold, the jewels and all the fancy things. The gifts I gave her are all packed. (He realises the sailors are on stage) Hey! (addressing Pleusicles) Are you here to collect Philocomasium?

Pleusicles: Yes sir, and I have brought help to carry her stuff!

Pyrgopolynices: Great! Palaestrio, go inside and help carry everything out.

Pleusicles: For heaven’s sake, be quick! The ship is ready to leave.

(Palaestrio leaves accompanied by the two sailors)

Pyrgopolynices: He won’t be long, but tell me sir, what happened to that eye of yours?

Pleusicles: The ocean caused me to use this eye less than the other. And yet were it not for “love” I could use it now. But…they are delaying me too long!

Pyrgopolynices: Ah-here they come!

(Palaestrio leads a tearful Philocomasium accompanied by her maids, the sailors are carrying a chest)

Pleusicles: Greetings, Philocomasium!

Philocomasium: The same to you.

Pleusicles: Mother and sister also bade me to tell you….greetings.

Philocomasium: Greetings to them both as well.

Pleusicles: Now we must leave. Your mother is waiting for you. She is ill. Time to go because the wind is fair and the sails are full.

Philocomasium: Though I long to stay, I must obey my mom!

Pleusicles: Very wise!

Philocomasium : (very melodramatically) It pains me the separation of such a great man! (Starts crying)

Pyrgopolynices: Don’t cry!

Philocomasium: May I hug you one more time before I go for good?

Pyrgopolynices: You may!

(She starts towards him but suddenly it looks as if she were to faint)

Palaestrio: Hold this woman!

(Palaestrio hands her to Pleusicles)

Pyrgopolynices: What’s going on?

Palaestrio: Because she has to leave you, the poor girl’s fainted dead away!

Pyrgopolynices: Well, run inside and get some water!

(He starts towards her and Palaestrio stops him)

Palaestrio: Don’t come any closer. Let her recover.

(Pyrgopolynices eyes Pleusicles with suspicion)

Pyrgopolynices: Hey sailor, take your lips from her!

Pleusicles: I just tried to see if she was breathing.

Pyrgopolynices: Use your ear for that! Men, come out. Bring forth her stuff!

Palaestrio: You fellow slaves, farewell!

Pyrgopolynices: Come, Palestrio, buck up!

Palaestrio: I cannot help but cry! I must leave you.

(Philocomasium suddenly ”regains” consciousness)

Philocomasium: Who’s this man? (Looking at Pleusicles) Where am I?

Pleusicles: (aside) Never fear, my dearest!

(She puts her head on his shoulder)

Pyrgopolynices: What’s all this?

Palaestrio: (trying to cover up) It’s nothing, just another fainting spell. We all really must be going!

(Everyone leaves but Palaestrio)

Palaestrio: Don’t forget me sir! (Very melodramatically)

Pyrgopolynices: That I won’t!

Palaestrio: Always and forever think how faithful I have been to you! But I’d better hurry off now!

Pyrgopolynices: Alright, farewell already!

(Palaestrio races off stage-with a broad smile)

Pyrgopolynices: (reflecting to the audience) Till today, I always thought he was the worst of slaves. Now I see he was devoted to me. When I think it over, I was foolish giving him away. But now I’ll head inside! It’s time for love now!

(He leaves smiling through his house)

SCENE 17

(A Slave boy enters from the old man’s house)

Slave boy (Pablo): I must find him. This is part of the plan. Everyone is ready inside (pointing to the old man’s house) Soldier! Where are you?

(Noises of the soldier approaching can be heard, and the soldier enters in a very bombastic way)

Pyrgopolynices: Here I am. Who wants me?

Slave boy: O gorgeous creature! My lady is waiting for you. Please hurry she is expectant!

Pyrgopolynices: Of course! Duty and love call me inside!

(He rushes inside the old man’s house)

Slave boy: (talking to the audience) Now he is trapped. Everyone is ready to attack this braggart soldier who thinks all women love him but …….. (sound of scuffle is heard inside) Oh I hear noises. That’s fun. I’ll join in inside….

(When he is about to enter, Periplectomenus , his servants -who are holding sticks- and his cooks enter, they are holding the soldier who wants to set himself free but can’t, Caria, the cook is holding a knife, her assistants too)

Periplectomenus:  You dirty man, you wanted to steal my wife. Tear him apart!

Pyrgopolynices: Please, I beg, by Hercules!

Periplectomenus: You beg in vain! Caria try your sharp knife on him!

Caria: Of course, I am eager to remove this lecher’s vital parts.

Pyrgopolynices: Oh I am dead!

Periplectomenus: Not yet! You speak to soon

Caria: Can I go at him now?

Periplectomenus: Not yet, you slaves hit him a bit more!

Pyrgopolynices: Oh by the gods! She asked me first!

Periplectomenus: He’s lying! Hit on

Pyrgopolynices: Wait a second! Let me talk!

Periplectomenus: (to the slaves) Why do you stop?

Caria: When do I cut?

Pyrgopolynices: Please hear my voice before she cuts!

Periplectomenus: Well?

Pyrgopolynices: I didn’t want but her maid lied to me, I thought she was divorced!

Periplectomenus: Swear that you won’t harm a single soul after this affair! Or we won’t stop our pounding

Pyrgopolynices: By Jupiter and Mars! I swear it!

Caria’s assistant: and give us gold! (All the servants nod)

Pyrgopolynices: Why?

A slave (Miguel Angel): To let you go without giving testimony, or you will never leave

Pyrgopolynices: You all will get a lot of gold!

Caria: Now you are being smart!

Periplectomenus: Release that man!

Pyrgopolynices: Oh thank you, thank you….

Periplectomenus: Come all inside! Our work is done! Now he has learnt his lesson

(The old man takes his slaves inside leaving the soldier lying on the floor, he is crying)

 

Scene 18

(The soldier is lying as Sceledra and other servants enter, they come from the harbour)

Sceledra: Master! What happened here?

Pyrgopolynices:Quick! Tell me the  girl set sail!

Sceledra: Long ago!

Pyrgopolynices: Damn!

Sceledra: You know, that guy with the eye patch was not a sailor!

Pyrgopolynices: What? Who was he?

Sceledra: Your own sweetheart’s lover!

Pyrgopolynices: And how do you know that?

Sceledra: because I saw them kissing and embracing

Pyrgopolynices: Oh pity me! I understand now! That rogue Palaestrio! He deceived me. And yet …. The verdict is just. Yes ...there would be less lechery if lechers were to learn from this. Slaves let’s go in!

(All exit into the soldier’s house and enter the three narrators)

Narrator 1: And so our play ends...

Narrator 2: And so our soldier learnt…

Narrator 3: That you have to be less lustful and more suspicious.

The three narrators: thanks for coming!

(They leave and enter all characters singing “Comedy Tonight”)